The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
