you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
