Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Boobs speak an international language.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
