Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
