I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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