mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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