Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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