Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
