Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
