those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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