I wish I could punch you in the face.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
