There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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