I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
