As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
