I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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