No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
