Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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