I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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