Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
