I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
