You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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