Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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