Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
