He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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