Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
