I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
