My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
