this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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