Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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