is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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