you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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