I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
