At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Are my feet made of real feet?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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