hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
