dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize