Just took my morning after pill in the library
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
