Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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