Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize