2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I faked an abortion last night.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize