I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
