Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
