If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
