I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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