im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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