I think my fart just growled at me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
she told me i tasted like america
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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