I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Houston, we have a squirter
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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