Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
