I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
