Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Gay?
German.
Pity.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Come on in and take your pants off
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