I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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