I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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