was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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