So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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