She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
