can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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