wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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