Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
