perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
