It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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