Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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