i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
