Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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