I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
