Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
