those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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